Teen life is complicated enough on its own. You may be struggling in school, dealing with unfair teachers, and worrying about college. Then there is the complex network of friends and social activities, which many teens find hard to navigate. If you have a phobia, your first instinct may be to hide it from your friends, as you worry that they might not understand or may even hold it against you. If your phobia is affecting your life, however, keeping it a secret might not be an option. Here are some tips on how and when to share.
Here's How:
Follow a “Need to Know” Rule: There is no need for the whole school to know that you are terrified of heights, but your close friends deserve to know why you won’t go rock climbing. Ask yourself two basic questions. First, do I spend a lot of time with this person? Those people around you most will know that “something” is wrong, and may be upset that you didn’t trust them, or assume something far worse than a phobia. Second, how likely is this person to be affected? Although you may not like your camp bunkmate, he will be the first up when you scream at the sight of a spider. Give that person a quick heads up.
Decide How Much to Share: This is related to the “need to know” rule. For most people, a simple, “I’m not going camping because I hate snakes” is good enough. You may want to tell your closest friends a bit more about your feelings and reactions, and ask for their help in working through your phobia. At the very least, the people you are closest to should be told what to do when you have a phobic reaction. Trust your instincts, and share as much as you are comfortable sharing.
Stay Calm: Although just talking about the thing you are afraid of can cause anxiety, getting nervous or freaking out will just scare your friends and make them less likely to understand. Practice your breathing techniques and other coping skills just before bringing up the subject, and work on being calm and matter of fact.
Ask for Specific Help: Most people, adults as well as teens, have very little experience with mental disorders such as phobias. Therefore, your friends may have no idea what to do. They might overreact, freak out, or be dismissive. One of the best ways to keep them calm and rational is to give them concrete ways to help you cope. You might want to discuss ideas with your therapist before talking to your friends to develop a list of suggestions.
Be Prepared for Questions: Ultimately, most people really do want to be sympathetic and understanding. Help encourage this tendency by preparing yourself for the questions you might be asked. Your friends might want to know the difference between a phobia and a regular fear, whether your phobia stops you from doing common things, or even what it feels like to have a phobic reaction. Think through some possible questions and answers in advance, and be sure you are ready to discuss the subject before bringing it up.
Dating With a Phobia: When we first start dating someone new, it is a natural tendency to talk a lot about ourselves. Resist the temptation to talk about your phobia right off the bat. Let trust build a bit before you share something so deeply personal. At the same time, don’t wait too long, or your significant other will wonder why you didn’t trust him.
What You Need:
- Courage
- Patience
- Time
