While certain phobias can be more manageable than others, all have the potential to wreak havoc on your daily life. If you have a supportive spouse or long-term significant other, that person can be a great source of strength. If you are single, however, you may find that dating presents a unique minefield. Here are a few tips to help you go about dating with a phobia.
Resist the Urge to Dish
When we first start dating someone new, we are eager to share a great deal about ourselves. However, certain topics are best left until later, when trust has been built. If your phobia is not one that is likely to immediately affect the relationship, postpone talking about it on the first few dates. Most people have little experience with legitimate phobias as opposed to simple fears, and your new date may be unsure how to react.
Be Careful of Avoidance
Although it is best not to bring up your phobia until trust has been built, be careful not to take the opposite extreme and avoid the topic altogether. If the object of your fear is common, such as dogs or water, it may come up in casual conversation. Abruptly changing the subject may be misunderstood as rudeness, while casually mentioning your discomfort is much more natural and comfortable for both of you.
Don’t Wait Too Long
If your casual dating develops into a long-term relationship, your partner will have the reasonable expectation of honesty. If your phobia affects your daily life or limits your activities, then your partner has a right to know about it. He or she can also become an advocate, helping you manage -- and even defeat -- the phobia.
Deciding exactly when to tell your partner can be tricky. Waiting too long can make him or her feel untrustworthy, leading to feelings of hurt or anger. In general, if the subject has not come up by the time you commit to an exclusive relationship, it should be broached soon after.
Help Your Partner Understand
Most people genuinely want to be sympathetic and helpful, particularly to their partners. However, your partner may have little or no experience with phobias. Therefore, it is up to you to educate him or her on the nature of your phobia and what can be done to help. Prepare yourself for the conversation, and be ready for questions. Your therapist or current support person can help you develop a list of possible questions and answers, and help you clarify exactly what you want to say.
If Your Phobia Affects Dating
Many phobias, such as spiders or heights, do not directly affect the process of dating. Therefore, discussing them can be postponed until an appropriate time. Certain phobias, however, such as social phobia and germ phobia, can actually complicate the process of dating or even make it impossible.
If you suffer from a phobia that directly affects dating, you will need specific coping skills for managing dates. Getting to know a potential date by phone or email, focusing on low-stress group outings, and scheduling active dates such as hiking or rock climbing are just a few ways that you can manage your phobias while maintaining a normal dating life.
The Bottom Line
Managing a phobia can be difficult enough for those with a supportive long-term partner. If you are single and dating, however, you may find your phobia even more challenging. Trust your instincts, avoid the urge to share too much too soon, and be prepared to educate your partner about your phobia. If you suffer from a phobia that directly affects your ability to successfully date, take steps to set up dates that minimize your fear. With a bit of practice, there is no reason that your phobia should keep you from dating freely.
