It is normal to be nervous about beginning therapy. For most people, entering therapy is like entering an alien world. You may be unfamiliar with the terminology, the process of therapy and the requirements laid out by your insurance company. You may fear being judged or wonder whether you and your therapist will get along.
Another common fear associated with therapy is that of being trapped. You might worry that if the relationship is not suitable, you will unable to gracefully get out of the situation. Fortunately, leaving a therapist is relatively common and need not be painful. Here is what you should know about divorcing your therapist.
Deciding to Leave
Like any other relationship, the desire to leave may come gradually or suddenly. Either way, it is important to examine the situation and analyze your own feelings before making the break. Due to the nature of the client/therapist relationship, it is easy to associate your therapist with the negative feelings that you dig up in his office. Are you frustrated with the therapist, or are you experiencing uncomfortable but necessary emotions during your sessions?
According to psychoanalytic thought, transference occurs when you begin to transfer your feelings about someone or something else onto your therapist. Likewise, the therapist may undergo counter-transference, in which he begins to transfer certain feelings onto you.
Although counter-transference should be avoided when possible, transference can be considered a healthy sign of growth. If this is what you are experiencing, you and your therapist can work through these feelings in a healthy way.
If you feel certain that your frustration is with the therapist herself, try to clarify what, specifically, is causing your frustration or discomfort? Do you feel that the therapist is not listening to you? Do you feel that you are being judged? Is the therapist frequently late to your appointments? Does she end sessions early? Is he distracted by phone calls, knocks at the door or other business?
Perhaps you have simply been unable to develop trust and rapport? Some people, despite their best efforts, don’t “click.” No therapist, no matter how talented, is able to connect with every single client. Likewise, no client is able to connect with every therapist.
Once you have begun to identify the source of your discomfort, discuss the situation with your therapist. It is possible that there has been a simple misunderstanding that can be resolved. However, it is always your choice to stay or go, and your therapist should understand. Of course, if she reacts negatively or makes you feel uncomfortable, that is a clear sign that it is time to leave.
It can also be helpful to consult with an outside therapist. He or she can help you sort through your feelings about your original therapist and provide a new perspective.
The Process of Leaving
Unless you are leaving because you feel that you have achieved your goals, it is generally best to find another therapist before severing your ties with your current provider. If you are leaving on good terms, your current therapist will probably work with the new one to help make your transition seamless and comfortable. If you leave on poor terms, your new therapist can help you work through the process of closing things out with the original.
Contact your insurance company to learn its regulations. Some insurers require all treatment, including mental health, to be approved through your regular doctor. You may need to fill out certain forms or go through specific steps in order to have your insurance properly transfer.
Close out therapy with your current provider as much as possible. If you are comfortable doing so, schedule a final appointment to clear the air and say good-bye. This is also a great time to discuss practical matters such as obtaining copies of your records for your new provider.
Finding Another Therapist
The process that you use in finding a new therapist may vary depending on your unique situation. If your current therapist is part of a larger practice, you might simply transfer to another provider within the same practice. If you are parting on friendly terms, this can greatly limit the amount of paperwork and effort involved.
If you want to leave the practice altogether, but trust the opinion of your current therapist, you can have him refer you to a colleague. This can be an excellent solution in many situations, but is not right for those who have reason to distrust the therapist.
If you have negative feelings about your therapist, it may be best to simply start over. Referral networks, your family doctor and friends who have undergone therapy are all possible sources for new referrals.
Starting Over
If you have had a negative experience with a therapist, it can be difficult to establish rapport. You may be guarded and find it hard to trust your new provider. These feelings are normal and expected.
Let your new therapist know up front about your previous issues. Tell him calmly about the difficulties you encountered. Being open and honest about the things you disliked in your previous situation will help the therapist craft a new treatment plan that better suits your needs and desires. It will also give her the chance to address your concerns and provide an open atmosphere for slowly building trust.
If possible, obtain a copy of your records from your original therapist. This will allow the new therapist to read through your case notes and learn the progress that was made.
Divorcing your therapist is never fun, but it should not provide an additional source of stress for you. It is extremely important that you be fully comfortable with your mental health provider in order for treatment to be successful. Bring up any concerns that you have with your therapist before deciding to make the break, but do not allow yourself to feel bullied or intimidated into staying. Only you can decide whether a particular therapist is right for you.
Source:Grohol PsyD, John M. "Knowing When to Call It Quits in Psychotherapy Part 2: Recognizing the Signs". Revised Aug 6, 2006. Retrieved Oct 28, 2008 from Psych Central.
