Describe Your Fear
My fear often isn't triggered by an event happening around me. In fact, I love a lot of activities that may trigger events for other people. My fear, however, becomes worse when I'm given time to think. If I'm not preoccupied or constantly thinking about something my mind wanders, and it always ends up in one place, most commonly before I fall asleep, as I can in no way entertain it then. My fear isn't really of dying, it's what happens next. I cannot fathom it just ending, it's hard to see my time line in front of me. I have a tested IQ of 141, and without trying it makes it hard for me to believe any other alternative.
How I'm Coping
I don't know if you would consider it avoidance, but the main way I try to combat the feeling of dread I get is to keep my mind preoccupied. It still comes up, but if I'm doing equations, or figuring out a problem, it's not so bad. I took up video games; they are a great way to prevent your mind from wandering mindlessly.
In my spare time I constantly look up things to give me hope. I cannot find religion, it doesn't seem logical enough for me to follow, and that also makes it harder to believe a lot of things you read. But two things still give me in some way a slim shimmer of hope: the fact that every civilization has claimed to see ghosts, and that humans lose weight on death, something we cant explain. Maybe we found that answer. I can't look it up, I need it. When I have an episode and I become immobile in fear, it's those two things, while so flawed and full of obvious holes, that can get me moving on.
Another thing I did was stop planning far in the future. My mind, without me wanting or trying, worked out a time line of my life based on habits, events and biology. When I plan things in the future without even realizing, I put it on this time line, and it makes it very depressing to do. By planning in shorter steps I found I can complete smaller goals that bring me happiness without using a lot of time; this makes it seem to me that I have more I can accomplish, rather then little. I don't seem to place the smaller things on my time line.
Sometimes the best thing I can do is let the episode play out. If no one else is home and I can act out, I try to. This really isn't the best way, I think, to handle it. But eventually my mind reaches its own breaking point and I lose about 20 minutes of time, what I call a reboot, and then I find something to do, seemingly not to remember that I even had the episode till much later. During these episodes I will cry, sometimes I find myself unable to move. I've screamed, I've hit things, I've begged to a god, one that I don't even believe in. In the seven stages of death i never, at least in what I can remember during these episodes, make it past depression or anger.
The most alarming thing is that I will have this problem at least once a day, before bed, and often smaller episodes throughout the week, unless I can keep myself completely distracted. I play music everywhere. I talk when I can't play it. I've taken up an instrument, video games, other hobbies, anything that requires me to think a lot, as much as possible.
Advice
- One thing I tried, because it's what everyone told everyone else about fears, is to face it, something that is an impossibility for this fear. Having my episodes doesn't help, and I don't have anyone to talk to. What I do to prevent it from taking my life completely over is what I'm sure is bad advice. Avoid it. I don't know if coping is even possible for me, but I can stop it from harassing me. Distract yourself! Play music and mentally or vocally sing along. Learn an instrument, it requires a lot of focus. Find an active hobby, not a passive one like drawing, but something that requires constant attention.
