How to Be Vulnerable

Vulnerability is a state of emotional exposure that comes with a degree of uncertainty. Learning how to be vulnerable involves a willingness to accept the emotional risk that comes from being open and willing to love and be loved.

A fear of vulnerability is a very common fear. But once you understand this central emotional challenge, you can develop a greater appreciation for why vulnerability is worth the effort. This makes it easier to take the next step: becoming more vulnerable with the people you care about most.

Why Vulnerability Is Important

Professor and author Brené Brown suggests that vulnerability is an important measure of courage and that it allows you to be seen and understood by the people who are important in your life. Brown adds that being vulnerable serves as a way to foster authenticity, belongingness, and love. 

When you can accept vulnerability, you may find that you experience important emotional benefits such as:

• Greater strength: Putting yourself in situations where you feel vulnerable can boost your confidence and belief in your ability to handle challenging situations. This can make you more resilient in the face of life's difficulties.
• Stronger relationships: Being vulnerable with others can foster intimacy in your relationships. It helps deepen your compassion, empathy, and connection with others in your life.
• Improved self-acceptance: Vulnerability allows you to accept and embrace different aspects of yourself. This can help you build greater confidence and authenticity.

So why do people often fear vulnerability if it's a good thing? Vulnerability is associated with a number of challenging emotional states. For example, it can play a role in disappointment, shame, and grief. The fear of vulnerability is also related to a fear of rejection and a fear of abandonment.

Examples of Vulnerability

What does vulnerability look like? Here are some examples to consider:

• Taking chances that might lead to rejection
• Talking about mistakes you have made
• Sharing personal details that you normally keep private
• Feeling difficult emotions such as shame, grief, or fear
• Reconnecting with someone you have fallen out with
• Being honest about what you need in a relationship, including your boundaries and expectations

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How People Become Closed Off

Small children are generally open and free, sharing all of themselves with others. As they grow and mature, however, they may learn that the world can be a painful place. Not everyone is on their side, and not all situations are going to go their way.

Self-Protection

Over time, then, they may also practice different defense mechanisms to protect themselves. This might mean that they've built walls around their heart, closing themselves off as they convince themselves they never really loved the person who hurt them anyway, maybe even mastering the art of denial.

Internalized Negative Thoughts

Even worse, they may have begun to believe and internalize negative thoughts and feelings about themself. As they search for answers to life's hurts, they could have begun to believe that they are responsible for these hurts.

Although these steps are normal and natural, they are also self-defeating. It is important to learn from past mistakes and to strive for personal growth. It is equally important to learn to forgive your own lapses.

Consequences of Not Being Vulnerable With Others

Although building walls creates a safe space into which you can quickly retreat, it also blocks the flow of energy and love. It's easy to become trapped behind your own emotional defenses, unable to give or receive positive emotions as well as negative ones. This leaves many people feeling isolated and alone.

People with a fear of vulnerability often become "distancers," using well-honed methods to keep others at arm's length. Some become intentionally buried in work, school, or other activities. Or they disappear at the first sign that a relationship is becoming intimate.

Others perform an elaborate dance of push-and-pull. They draw in a potential partner, only to pull away emotionally when the other person gets too close. Then, once distance has been reestablished, they draw that person back in.

How to Be Vulnerable

Fortunately, there are many actions you can take to be more vulnerable. To be vulnerable, here are several strategies to consider:

Embrace Your Authentic Self

One way to reduce self-isolation and the fear of vulnerability is to embrace your authentic self. You've been hurt before, so you may want to minimize the risk of being hurt again. But building walls or trying to act according to some self-created checklist is not the best way to minimize potential damage.

Loving yourself is one of the toughest lessons you will ever face. Everyone has flaws, imperfections, embarrassing stories, and past mistakes they wish they could forget. People are insecure, awkward, and desperately wishing they could change certain things. That's human nature.

The trick is to realize that everyone feels this way. No matter how successful, how beautiful, or how perfect someone appears, we all experience the same awkwardness, insecurity, and self-doubt.

Aim for Excellence, Not Perfection

Think of the most dynamic, capable person you know. What if this person said something foolish? Would you hold a grudge? What if that person snapped at you? Would you find that unforgivable? Of course not.

You understand that others are imperfect, that they have good days and bad days, that they have flaws and blind spots and moments of weakness. That's not what you remember them for. You remember their triumphs and shining moments and love and light.

Why treat yourself any differently? Why beat yourself up for the things that you easily and quickly forgive in others? Why automatically assume that others will judge you more harshly than you judge them?

To Be Vulnerable, Learn to Love Yourself

To learn to love yourself, begin by acknowledging yourself as a whole human being—flaws, imperfections, and all. Own and embrace your past mistakes, while also remembering that they don't define your present or your future.

Apologize to anyone you feel you have significantly wronged, then move on. Forgive yourself. While this is often easier said than done, moving forward, try to live by a few simple truths.

Remember You Are Important

Like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life," the simple fact that you exist has a ripple effect beyond your imagination. You may never truly know whose lives you have touched and what the repercussions were, but they are there.

Embrace Your Mistakes

Not only do your mistakes make you human, but they give you a wealth of experiences to draw on when helping others. Using your past for good is one of the strongest ways to connect with your entire self.

Stop Trying to Prove Your Value

Humans, especially those with a fear of vulnerability, are always trying to show how worthwhile we are. We worry that if we don't somehow earn our keep, people will stop caring for us. Invariably, we get exactly what we are unconsciously asking for: a string of people interested in what we can give instead of who we are.

Avoid Being a People-Pleaser

Remember that you can't be everything to everyone. Trying to be a people-pleaser only hurts you.

Offer the most precious gift of all—yourself—rather than trying to be all things to all people. That doesn't mean you should stop performing kindnesses for others but, instead, make offerings based on love rather than fear or self-judgment.

How to Get Help

You can be more vulnerable with your partner by getting to know yourself, sharing important things in the moment, talking about your fears, and being honest about the things that you need. As you learn to accept and love yourself, you will find it easier and easier to show true vulnerability.

If your sense of self-worth is strong, you will no longer need others to define it or prop it up for you. You will be able to walk away from those who treat you with disrespect and attract those who treat you well.

Many people seek the advice of a respected mental health professional, while others find solace in spiritual counseling. Whatever path you choose, finding freedom from the fear of vulnerability is a truly life-changing experience.